Separation Anxiety at Daycare, When it Starts and When It Gets Easier

Most children who cry at daycare drop-off begin settling more easily over time, but every child’s timeline is different. Separation anxiety commonly becomes more noticeable around 9 months and again around 15–18 months. Age, temperament, sleep, illness and changes at home or in the classroom can all affect the adjustment.

Separation anxiety is a normal stage that arrives once a baby figures out you can leave the room, and it often returns in toddlerhood (usually in a louder form). However, new parents need to know that crying at drop-off is not a sign that daycare is wrong for your child, it’s just the first time they ‘leave the nest.’ How long settling in takes depends on your child’s age, their temperament, and how steady the morning routine is, so you shouldn’t worry if your baby takes longer to adjust. 

This guide covers what separation anxiety is and when it peaks, how long children usually take to settle into a new room, why a child who was perfectly happy for months can suddenly start protesting again, and what happens on our side of the door once you leave for work. 

When separation anxiety starts, and when it peaks

Separation anxiety is not one phase, but two. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, some babies show signs as early as 4 to 5 months, but most develop separation anxiety in earnest at around 9 months. Many toddlers skip the baby version entirely and then start protesting at 15 or 18 months instead, which can take parents by surprise. The AAP also makes a point that is easy to overlook: every separation is harder when a child is hungry, tired or coming down with something.

Babies: from around 9 months

The crying usually starts because your baby has worked something out, not because something has gone wrong. Somewhere around 9 months, babies notice that objects and people carry on existing when they are out of sight. That is a huge cognitive leap, and its first practical consequence is that your baby now understands you’ve gone somewhere without them.

At this age, the protest is usually loud and short. Babies live in the present and are easily distracted, so a familiar pair of arms, a song they know, or something interesting to look at will often reset the crisis within minutes.

Toddlers: from 15 to 18 months

The toddler version of separation anxiety is even louder, more physical, and considerably harder to interrupt. A 9-month-old cries, but an 18-month-old cries, clings to your leg, and is able to verbalize his complaints.

The timing is also unlucky, because 15 months is also when many children move up from an infant room into a toddler room. A new space, new teachers, and a new rhythm arrive alongside a developmental push toward independence, which can be a strange combination for a child: they want to do everything themselves, but they also want you to stay. You basically can’t win. 

Twos, threes and fours

By the time children are 3 years old, the AAP notes that most of them clearly understand the effect their protest has on you. This is not a form of intentional manipulation, and it doesn’t mean their distress is fake. It just means your child has correctly worked out that tears slow you down, and is testing whether that theory holds. That’s why being consistent matters more at this age than at any other.

Separation anxiety that is still an everyday event after the preschool years is uncommon. Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia puts it at about 3% of children by elementary school. That’s not to say it can’t happen, but it’s not as common. 

How long does it take a child to settle into daycare?

Most children are settled into a new room within a few weeks, and the first day is usually the easiest one, believe it or not.

The first few days

Day one has novelty on its side: new toys, a different set of children, and a whole new room to explore. Curiosity frequently wins, and some children barely look up when a parent leaves.

Then the novelty wears off and the pattern becomes clear: this is not just a one-time visit, it’s every morning. That realization usually happens on day two or three, and this is when the protest often begins.

Why the second week can be louder than the first

Two things stack up by the end of the first week. Firstly, naps get disrupted, as sleeping in a new room among other children takes practice, and a child who is short on sleep has fewer resources to deal with the separation. Secondly, children this age are frequently picking up their first round of colds from a new group of playmates. Now, none of those things cause separation anxiety on their own, but both make it louder and more intense.

Protect nap and breakfast times hard through that stretch, because they are the two things you can control and they can make the separation at drop-off a lot smoother.

When it levels off

For most children, the crying tends to taper off before it fully stops, so it’s a gradual process. One of our LadyBug parents described the arc better than we can:

“We started our son at Ladybug when he was 15 months old. He went from a nanny share with another toddler at home into a classroom with 7 other little boys. Though it took a few weeks of adjustment, he quickly grew to love his teachers and all of the activities he did each day.” – Sarah Edgeworth

A few weeks of adjustment, followed by a much calmer and more confident child. That is the usual arc.

Why your child was fine at daycare and is suddenly crying again

This situation frightens parents more than the first week does, because it feels like something must have gone wrong. Usually something has, but it is rarely anything alarming. The common causes, roughly in order of how often we see them:

• A move up to a new room, with new teachers and a new routine.
• A favorite teacher away, off sick, or moved to another group.
• A change to naps, either at home or at school, or a nap dropped altogether.
• Teething, or the first day or two of a cold before any symptoms show.
• A new baby at home, a house move, a grandparent visiting or leaving.
• A long break. A week at home over the holidays can undo two weeks of routine, and the restart is often noisy.
• The clocks changing, which shortens everybody’s morning by an hour of daylight.

Expect a short flare-up rather than a return to square one. Ask your child’s teacher what changed in the room recently, and mention anything that has changed at home, even something you would not think counts. Between you, the cause is usually clear within a day, and once you know it, the flare tends to pass in under a week.

What happens after you leave?

At drop-off, a teacher will usually guide your child away from you rather than wait for your child to let go. That can feel abrupt, but it is deliberate: a child held by a familiar adult has something to hold onto while you walk away, and the whole ordeal happens quickly, without dragging it out and making it seem more dramatic than it is. 

Then comes the distraction, which is more skilled than it sounds. A window to wave from, a job to do, breakfast to help set out, a favorite book, or the sensory table. The aim is to give a crying child somewhere else to place their attention in the first minutes after the parent leaves.

Illinois is very specific about the thing that helps most. Under the state’s licensing standards for day care centers, in infant and toddler rooms the same staff member should feed, diaper and play with a given child each day. That is a continuity rule, and continuity with one familiar adult is precisely what settles a child who is anxious about being left. Ask about it on a tour, because it is a legal expectation in this state and not every center organizes its rooms to deliver it well. 

You should also expect to be told how the morning went, and not only at pickup. At LadyBug & Friends, photos and updates on meals, sleep and activities go out through our mobile app during the day, which for a nervous parent in week one is the single most useful thing we do. If your center does not send anything during the day, call them. Any decent daycare would rather answer the phone at 9.30am than have you spend the morning imagining the worst.

How to make drop-off easier

The single biggest change most families can make is to do the same short goodbye every morning, in the same place, in the same order. Predictability does more work than any individual trick on this list, as it establishes a reliable routine.

• Build a goodbye that takes 20 seconds: A hug, a phrase you always use, one wave from an agreed spot. Short is not cold, it’s what signals to your child that this is normal.
• Arrive with a few minutes to spare: A parent who has been circling the block for parking arrives tense, and children read tension off adults faster than they read words. Our locations have allocated drop-off parking for exactly this reason.
• Always say goodbye: Slipping out while your child is distracted buys you a quiet exit and costs you their trust. The next morning they will watch you instead of playing.
• Send one comfort item if your center allows it: A lovey, a small blanket, or a family photo in a pocket can help a child self-soothe.
• Ask how long the crying lasted, and write it down for a week: This allows you to see patterns and track progress. 

Why going back to check makes it worse

This is the hardest instruction on the page for parents to follow, so hear it from a pediatrician rather than from us. Dr. Wendy Sue Swanson, writing for the AAP, describes going back into her son’s classroom about an hour after a bad drop-off because she was missing him. Her verdict is blunt: her going back extended the separation anxiety, they started over from the beginning, and when she left the second time it was, in her words, ‘near nuclear.’

Returning during the goodbye can restart the separation process. A short, consistent goodbye helps your child learn that you will return as promised. If you are experiencing separation anxiety yourself and want to know how your child is doing, phone the daycare or check the app.

How to ask for a slower start

How can a daycare center help with separation anxiety and make the morning drop-off even smoother? Here are some things to ask for before your start date to help this transition, for both your child and yourself:

• A visit or two together, in the room, at a busy time of day rather than a quiet one.
• Short first days. A couple of hours, then a morning, then a morning with lunch.
• Starting on a Thursday instead of a Monday, so the first stretch is two days rather than five, with a weekend to recover.
• A part-time schedule to begin with, if it exists. Our toddler rooms run 2, 3 or 5 days a week, and easing in on two or three days is a legitimate way to use that.
• A conversation with the lead teacher before day one, away from the noise of drop-off, about what soothes your child and what makes things worse.

Policies differ between centers and between rooms, so ask rather than assume. A good daycare center that will offer the possibility of a phased start to make things easier for you and your child.

What you can do in the weeks before

Practice being apart in short doses, with people your child already likes. An hour with a grandparent, an afternoon with a friend, or a babysitter who arrives while you are still in the house. With babies, peekaboo and hide-and-seek are object permanence practice in disguise: things disappear and then reliably come back, which is the whole lesson.

Talk about the day in the order it will happen, using the same words each time, and read a book about going to school. Visit the center together if you can. And protect sleep and breakfast in those first two weeks above everything else, because tiredness and hunger are the two levers that make every goodbye harder.

If you are still choosing a center, our guides on what to ask on a tour and how to choose a daycare in Chicago cover the ground. If your child is under 15 months, what to expect from infant care goes through the infant room in detail, and our guide to Chicago daycare waitlists explains how far ahead to apply.

When to mention it to your pediatrician

For the overwhelming majority of children, separation anxiety is a stage that resolves on its own and never needs a professional opinion. It’s worth mentioning at a routine check-up if the distress is still an everyday event well into the preschool years, if it shows up strongly at home as well as at drop-off, or if it comes with things like frequent stomachaches, disrupted sleep, or a refusal to be in a room without you.

Some perspective on how unusual that is: CHOP puts the figure at about 3% of children by elementary school, rising to about 8% of teenagers. Your pediatrician has had this conversation with many families and can tell you quickly whether anything more is needed.

If you’re in the Chicago area and want to see how a morning unfolds before you commit to a daycare, schedule a tour and ask the director to explain how the center handles morning drop-off.

Frequently asked questions

How long does separation anxiety last after starting daycare?

Most children settle into a new room within a few weeks. The crying usually gets shorter before it stops altogether, so the number worth tracking is how long it lasts rather than whether it happened. Expect the second week to be noisier than the first, because disrupted naps and a first round of colds make every goodbye harder.

At what age does separation anxiety peak?

There are two peaks. The first arrives at around 9 months, once a baby understands that people carry on existing when they leave the room. The second, and usually the louder one, lands somewhere between 15 and 18 months, alongside a developmental push toward independence. The American Academy of Pediatrics notes that many toddlers skip the first peak entirely and go straight to the second.

Is it normal for my child to cry every day at drop-off?

In the first few weeks, yes. Crying at the door is a sign of attachment, not of a problem with the daycare. What matters more than the crying is what happens after you leave: ask how long it took your child to settle, and whether they ate, slept and played normally. If the crying is still happening daily after a month with no sign of shortening, talk to the lead teacher about what the mornings look like from their side.

Should I sneak out to avoid the tears?

No. Leaving while your child is distracted avoids one difficult minute and costs you their trust for the next several mornings, because they learn to watch you instead of settling into play. Say goodbye, keep it short, and go. For the same reason, do not come back to check on them an hour later, however tempting it is.

My toddler liked daycare and now hates it. What changed?

Something usually has, and it is rarely serious. The most common causes are a move to a new room, a favorite teacher away, a change to naps, teething or an oncoming cold, a new baby or a move at home, or a long holiday break. Ask what has changed in the room and mention anything that has changed at home. These flares tend to pass in under a week.

Does going to daycare make separation anxiety worse?

No. Separation anxiety is a developmental stage that arrives whether or not a child is in daycare, and it shows up for children cared for at home, too. What daycare does is put the stage in front of you at 8am, which makes it very visible. Regular, predictable separations with familiar adults give children a great deal of practice at the skill of being apart and coming back together.